


Guilt

by mansikka



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-04
Updated: 2016-02-04
Packaged: 2018-05-18 05:15:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5899579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Walking away was the right thing to do. He had to. He had to get away, now, because if he didn't he would hurt him, even though he never wanted to. Even though he loved him more than he’d ever loved anything in his life. He had to leave. No matter how much he broke just at the thought of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Guilt

Walking away was the right thing to do. He had to. He had to get away, now, because if he didn't he would hurt him, even though he never wanted to. Even though he loved him more than he’d ever loved anything in his life. He had to leave. No matter how much he broke just at the thought of it.

 

_When I go_

_You will be someone new_

_You will see the stars come out_

_You won't feel the pain I've caused at all_

 

Cas would be a better person without him. Because Dean, he was dangerous. He attracted destruction, and no matter how hard he tried to be the person Cas saw, it was too high a pedestal to fall from. And Cas had already fallen far too far for him. There was no way he could ever do him justice.

 

_'Cause someday I must face up_

_Someday you'll be better off on your own_

_So just let me go_

 

Dean bit back the sob in his throat and allowed himself this one final moment of watching Cas sleep. He looked so content, so peaceful, so perfect. He always did, and he always was, and Dean, Dean would break that. It’s all he knew. Cas would be fine. He’d be hurt, sure, but it wouldn't last. Dean wasn't worth pining for.

 

_Under the bridge_

_I'll carry this guilt_

_No more_

 

They could never be equal. Dean had done so much bad in this world, done so many awful things to Cas throughout all the years they’d known each other, and it was just at that point when Dean knew he would be better off drowning in his guilt alone, rather than spiralling Cas down with him. Dean wore his guilt like armour some days, and he could see what it did to Cas when he shut him out. He just couldn't do it anymore.

 

_So under the waves_

_And out of your way_

_I'll go_

 

So Dean would disappear. He was good at that. He’d go, where no one would find him, start over, pretend he was someone he wasn't. Pretend he hadn't cracked his heart in two and left the better half here in this room.

 

_When I'm gone_

_You will find someone new_

_And he won't lie or torture you_

_And you won't cry for what you've lost at all_

 

Dean felt shards of ice in his stomach at the thought of Cas with someone else, but it was inevitable. Cas was too perfect to escape someone else’s attention, and there would be someone out there that could treat him a million ways better than Dean ever could. Whoever this other person was who Dean was already jealous of, they wouldn't lie to him, or torture him, figuratively or literally for that matter. Because Dean, he’d done both. The terrible, terrible human being that he was had caused Cas such hurt, and Dean would never be able to take that back. Cas would miss him for only a short while, he was sure, and then Dean would be nothing but a faded memory, something to chalk up to a life lesson. Then he could actually get on with living his human life freely, without Dean’s interference or harm.

 

_And someday_

_When you wake up happy_

_You will thank the Lord that I'm gone_

_So darling be strong_

 

Dean knew Cas would be better off without him. Sneaking away in the night so Cas couldn't argue that point was the best he could offer him. Cas would always remain by Dean’s side because he felt loyal, and that he should stay. Cas stayed because he felt he must, because he didn't know there was anything better. But Dean could never give him the life he deserved. And Dean loved him enough to give him his freedom to live that life. He knew Cas would see it that way too, eventually. He knew he wasn't worthy of Cas’ love. He never had been. Dean took comfort in knowing how amazing a life Cas would have without him, because Cas was just that: amazing. And Cas deserved the best of everything.

 

_I'm under the bridge_

_I'll bury this guilt_

_Forever more_

 

One final shuddering breath and he turned away from the bed, not looking back. He couldn't, he was too weak to take just one final glance, because all he’d want to do would be to crawl back into bed with him and never leave, safe and home in Cas’ arms forever.

 

_So under the waves_

_And out of your way_

_I'll go_

 

But his heart pulled him. It was like a magnet, drawn to Cas, unable to be apart from him. That pull had been there from day one, binding them together. Trying to pull free was like trying to wrench out his own heart. And having finally learn to love, Dean’s heart would betray him all over again, make him take that final glance over his shoulder. His heart was selfish, so selfish, because all it wanted to do was stay. So he turned, one final, final glance before goodbye. And he was lost.

 

Cas’ eyes watched him half-opened, taking in Dean in his jacket and the duffel slung over his shoulder.

 

“Dean?”

 

And Dean was frozen, head and heart torn in different directions. He heard a heavy sigh and watched Cas rub a hand tiredly over his face. Then he was there. Right in his face, a gaze that said in no uncertain terms, _what do you think you are doing?_ And _why are you doing this again?_

 

“Dean. Come back to bed. Now.” Cas’ tone was firm but soft, giving no room for argument or misunderstanding.

 

“Cas…” Dean tried, voice breaking as his hands shook by his sides.

 

Cas’ hands flew to him, gripping him sharply by his forearms to get his attention. “No. You are not doing this again. You are not letting this misplaced guilt tell you that you need to leave. You are not going to leave me. Do you understand? I need you. I need you, Dean.”

 

Dean dropped his head, unable to keep the tears from falling on his face. “I'm no good for you, Cas. You know that.”

 

Cas grabbed Dean’s left hand, entwining it in his own and bringing them up in front of Dean’s face.

 

“See these?” he asked, pressing hard into the bands on their ring fingers. “These mean that you are more than good enough for me. For life. I did not fall from heaven to live this life alone, Dean. I fell for _you_ . And I am going to stay _with_ you, and keep you _here_ with _me_ . And one day I will _make_ you understand just how good you are.”

 

Dean’s hands fumbled out in defeat, pulling Cas too him and squeezing him tightly to his chest. “I'm sorry. Cas, I'm so sorry.”

 

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist and held on, letting the sobs work their way through him. When they’d quietened, he cupped Dean’s face, placing a soft kiss on his lips before reaching for his hand and gently guiding him back to bed.

 

Sometimes they went weeks without Dean having this unfounded crisis of conscious that he just wasn't good enough. That he had to go. That Cas deserved more. Dean didn't seem to understand that he, himself, was all the more that Cas could ever want, or need.

 

As always happened on nights like this, Cas held Dean’s face in his hands and stared intently, as though his eyes could actually say the words Dean so desperately needed to hear. He prayed that one day Dean would finally understand.

 

Cas watched until Dean’s breath evened out, then lay down, holding open his arms.

 

“I love you, Dean.”

 

Dean fell forward and buried himself in Cas’ chest, cursing himself for feeling so at home, and so safe. He was never going to be good enough for Cas, not in a thousand lifetimes. But he couldn't help it. He was too weak to do anything but hold on.

 

“I love you too.”

 

***

Hurts -[ Guilt](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MlTfC-cY5PE)

 


End file.
